The Monopoly Pub Crawl
London 2006 Monopoly Pub Crawl
So what happened? ...
Our intrepid alcoholics wound their way across town on a bright sunny morning, unsure they were headed in the right direction – well until they saw the French maid and the most un-nunlike nun to ever grace God's earth headed the same way. Meanwhile, Shave Heathens, the seasoned pro of the group (having already done a London Monopoly Pub Crawl), began his day with a romantic breakfast for two with the freshly shaved heathen that is Come Try It.
And so it was, come 11am, the doors of The George on the Old Kent Road flung open, and our sober band flew in. With dozens of half-pint glasses lined up ready, we were clearly not the first, or indeed the last Monopoly pub crawlers to darken their doors so early in the day.
“Long Thing ... caused an excited stir amongst several ladies on the bus
15 minutes and a half-pint later, we caught the bus to Fenchurch Station, crossing the Thames via the eye-catching Tower Bridge. Catching the ladies eyes was Long Thing, whose moniker caused an excited stir amongst several ladies on the bus, some of them old enough to be his mother. After some fond farewells, the group made their way to Fenchurch Station – only to find it closed.
With the sun now high in the sky, and time moving on, we eventually found ourselves in the Aldgate Exchange on Whitechapel Road, where we doubled up, enjoying the pleasure of a manly pint in the hand. However, pints were not the only manly pursuit in this pub. The one and only Blow Jack's Bell seemed to draw attention to himself, and in conversation with a very friendly local, he heard the unforgettable line – 'I wish my name was Jack'.
Next up, as it were, was the very grand Hamilton Hall at Liverpool Street Station, with its ornate ceiling, large mirrors… and a group of 50 or so crawlers. We were not alone in this challenge. They had T-shirts and everything, but not one of them could match the pure individuality, nay genius, of Come Try It, who had somehow managed to iron his transfer on upside down and on the back of his T-shirt. Oh yes, that's real thinking outside the box.
After a quick drink and a long walk, we found ourselves in The Old Red Lion in Islington, our 5th port of call, before swiftly moving on to The Castle on Pentonville Road, which was absolutely packed – what with 8 of us and the 50 or so fellow crawlers we'd bumped into earlier. Still, it meant Truly Bling had a good audience for her Chance Card forfeit of starting every sentence with the word 'marmalade'.
Our next stop was King's Cross Station, where the Duke of York provided little entertainment. However, the station's pasty seller did a roaring trade with our ravenous crew, before they moved on to The Rocket at Euston Station and The Victoria and Albert at Marylebone Station. It was here that the crew finally and all too briefly met Stella Clown's mate Cleft Dangley. No sooner had we said our 'hellos' and we were saying our 'cheerios', as Cleft Dangley had the misfortune to get a forfeit with his first throw of the dice – 'Go to the next pub immediately and buy everyone a drink'.
“How Come Try It landed on the floor ... is anyone's guess
With time marching on, we then followed Cleft Dangley down to The Rose and Crown on Park Lane. Catching a bus whilst slightly intoxicated is always fun – though perhaps not for the driver. How Come Try It landed on the floor of the bus is anyone's guess, but alcohol may have been a contributory factor. After some aimless wandering we found the pub and Cleft Dangley. Again it was one of those swiftest of swift halves, before moving on to the rather quirky Grapes in Mayfair. After five pints, staring at a couple of stuffed birds is not everyone's cup of tea, and some of the group began to wane. The realisation that we were only on pub 11 by 4pm, and we had another 15 to go suddenly hit everyone – this crawl was not for the faint hearted. Only those with an iron will and super strong liver would make it through to the final pub.
Realising that the whole escapade was in danger, Shave Heathens rallied the troops and marched us on and on to the Blue Posts in Piccadilly, the Red Lion near Pall Mall and the Lord Moon of the Mall on Whitehall. By now some of the group were clearly getting the worse for wear, as the crew stumbled onto and across the filming of Atonement, starring Keira Knightly as a 1940s nurse – something to think about there. In fact Chef Spangly managed to grab a quick interview with one of the cast members whilst actually filming and whilst drunk herself – a remarkable feat.
With a second wind in their sails and bellies full of beer, the revellers revelled their way through The Sherlock Holmes on Northumberland Avenue, the delightful Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese off Fleet Street, the Wellington on the Strand and The Marquis of Anglesey on Bow Street, where the crew paused briefly to watch a Punch and Judy show in Covent Garden – as you do after 9 pints.
The Chandos off Trafalgar Square saw Long Thing get his first forfeit – so off he went to The Moon Under Water on Leicester Square to get everyone a drink. Surprisingly the bouncers let everyone into the by now packed pub. Tired and inebriated the crew then stopped for their second fuel stop of the crawl – McDonald's in Leicester Square. It was in this humble, unpretentious building, that Long Thing made a startling and unsettling discovery – ice cream and beer do not sit well with one another.
With the sun setting the crew made the voyage over to The Comedy on Coventry Street, where they bumped into their fellow crawlers again, who swiftly continued on their merry way. Come Try It's luck ran out and for his penance he had to stand in the corner, facing the wall, where a very sick Long Thing touched him in a very inappropriate way. With some unfriendly comments from the bar staff we quickly departed before being officially thrown out. The Captain's Cabin off Regent Street soon came and went, as did the Swallow Street Bar, who wouldn't let 8 people and the effects of 92 pints in – what were they thinking!
Stumbling on to O'Neills on Marlborough Street, the crew stopped awhile outside, enjoying a pint on a fantastic summer's evening – well all except Long Thing, whose remarkable discovery had caught up with him and reduced him to taking a soft drink.
“Shrill Nana ... went missing in action before the last pub!
Having made good progress earlier that evening, our intrepid drinkers took a leisurely if somewhat undignified stroll to the penultimate pub, The Duke of York on Bond Street. With excitement mounting the group quickly downed drinks and headed for their journey's end, The Woodstock on Oxford Street. Arriving at 10.15pm our jubilant crew celebrated by buying a pint and revelling in the knowledge that they'd achieved the seemingly impossible and completed 26 pubs in a day – well apart from Shrill Nana who went missing in action before the last pub. To this day no one knows what happened in those mysterious hours before he met up with the group again, but maybe one day, after a few drinks, Shrill Nana will tell all.
Exhausted yet exhilarated the group sat savouring their pints as slowly the pub filled with fellow crawlers, thrilled with a sense of achievement. Soon the drink was talking, and our magnificent seven vowed to do it all again sometime…